First, I used the words 'feels' and 'felt'.
Second, I said 'gotten myself to a good place, spiritually'.
One of the insights that I gained from my fast last year is that it really isn't about me or my feelings. Now I've known that for a long time - in my head. I never really lived that way, though. I would let feelings of frustration or anger or disappointment make me 'feel' far away from God. Not worthy. Without the right to pray.
How happy did that make the devil?!!
I started praying anyway - just laying it all out before God, and you know what happened? Prayers were answered, I could feel angry or frustrated and still know that God was close and working. It was such an amazingly simple thing!
Fast forward to 2012. I'm not 'feeling' the fast thing. Not like I did last year and it is a little disheartening until I remember that God is not at the mercy of my feelings -good or bad.
Just like he is not far away when I feel frustrated or lonely he is also not closer just because I'm feeling that 'spiritual high'.
He is who he is. Yesterday, today, and forever. I'm so glad to have that assurance deep in my heart, because any god that can be bounced around by my emotions and thoughts, or pushed away because I'm struggling is NOT a big enough god for me.
I need someone who never changes, who holds me to him when I run and seek, who gets right into the middle of my mess and never gets confused by it. I have that in the God of scripture. Jehovah. My Savior, Comforter, Teacher, Equipper, Friend.
This is the God I will be seeking as I fast. I will come to Him just as I am. He knows me better than I know myself, and He sees through all my attempts to put my pretty church clothes on before I come to Him.
If I can make myself presentable to God all on my own, then what do I really need him for? My purpose in fasting again this year is to meet Him and know Him in a deeper way. I want to seek guidance for the coming year:
- what he wants me to do
- how I can become more like him
- what I need to change
- how I can be his light in the mission field where he has placed me
- what I need to let him get hold of and change
- what I need to walk away from
- how I can praise and worship him better